Married but Single

Freedom of speech and Equal opportunities – the very definition of the world we live in now. Not quite.

The complexity of these social issues goes beyond the need for change.Within every individual case, there are barriers, different barriers for all. Like the mutation of covid, the fight for freedom of speech and equal opportunities is an up hill battle. You may be thinking, that change is on the horizon, as more people are speaking out and standing up for what they believe is right. However, there are indivduals worldwide who are not aware that there is a fight going on or that what they are experiencing isn’t right or simply they are just numb with fear and unable to put their experience into words.

When we reflect upon the fight to close the gender pay gap, generally we see a rough idea of what we would like to achieve. However, behind many doors there are women who by no fault of their own… or maybe by fault of their own are trapped. There are mothers who fight every day to keep a peaceful home, fight everyday to keep the children well and happy. There is now a great awareness of domestic, sexual absue and even coercive control. Where women who live as Wife, Mum, Daughter and Sister; there you will find untold stories about manipulation and abuse that has occured in different shapes and sizes. The barriers that come up against women are very real but the unique nature of each experience does not simply have the same exit route as society would expect.

At the age of 20, I gave birth to my eldest. 8 years down the line, I am Mum to three wonderful individuals. I have said on many occassions that I have grown up with my children, from a very naive 19 year old to the woman I am today. There is no room here for the blame game, however, there is room for the truth. For the past 8 years, I have been married but single. What this means is that from the birth of my daughter, I have changed ever single nappy, done every bath time, every bedtime, every school concert, every dinner, every…really the list could go on. I’m not here to big myself up (although… Well done Beth, you’re a bloody saint) but I want to share my reality and the reality of many others. From the outside it may look like I am a willing housewife who adores her duties. Well, no. I am a woman who thrives in education, a woman who passionately desires to achieve and a woman who wants to be heard. The psychology behind all of this probably stem from the occassional sting of oppression, a constant reminder that I am just a woman, just a Mum, just a Wife. As I mentioned before, I have grown with my children and like a child I spent many years seeking affirmation from the people around me and it is a habit that has stayed with me. This deep scar is rooted at the centre of me. I fear that the words I say will be wrong, I fear that the wrong person will call my number, I fear that if I leave kitchen in a mess I will be less of a wife or Mum. The reality is, these deeply rooted struggles and scars are present among many. In all honesty most days just look like survival for me, but these kind of days are lessening. I am embracing my opportunity to study, embracing my opportunity to wear makeup, embracing my opportunity to stay up late to watch a series on BBC and finally, the saddest of all, I cling to this blog where I can share my thoughts in the knowledge that no one in my house actually reads it or is remotely interested in it. These opportunities are fulfilled with an underlying fear, however I have realised that I must claim my life back. Life was given by God and belongs to no one else.

To my sisters who do EVERYTHING and more. Power to you, POWER TO YOU! I am with you.

What weakness is blending into your everyday?

When we think about weaknesses, do we ever delve deep enough to truly make a fair and productive reflection?.
When I reflect upon my own weaknesses, I find myself contemplating outside opinions mostly and what the world has narrated to me from school, work to motherhood. Majority of the time we allow our understanding of ourselves to be defined by outward influences. Although this is a very common, human thing to do, we have to find a careful balance when processing opinions and feelings to the final output understanding.
This is easier said than done, mind you.

As much as I love the processing systems of a computer, we as humans hold far more responsibility to come up with opinions which consider many emotional complexities and factors. Very recently, I came to the conclusion that for majority of my life, I have actively defined myself as a tired person. There is part of me that feels silly even saying this, but as I mentioned earlier… We are only human.

When I say I actively defined myself as a tired person, this came in many forms. Being a Mum of three, I fully immersed myself in the coffee for survival generation. As much as I love a good cup of coffee, this small perk throughout the day only gave me minor mental energy… “Oh, time for a cuppa now!”. I don’t know why it took me so many years to realise that coffee was a mere comfort throughout the day and not this magic potion that would pull me through am to pm.
That’s the thing with the age we live in, we are surrounded with an array of tips, tricks and lifestyles that should make us everyday super heroes.The reality is though that as we lean on such comforts or tips, we mask over our own reality and strengths. Often, we are left with a fancy coffee pot and a wardrobe full of gym wear.
I mean these things do work to a certain extent, but eventually we do have to step back and do a bit of self analysis.
Being described by many family members as “a girl who needs herWe are only human. When I say I actively defined myself as a tired person, this came in many forms. Being a Mum of three, I fully immersed myself in the coffee for survival generation. As much as I love a good cup of coffee, this small perk throughout the day only gave me minor mental energy… “Oh, time for a cuppa now!”. I don’t know why it took me so many years to realise that coffee was a mere comfort throughout the day and not this magic potion that would pull me through am to pm.
That’s the thing with the age we live in, we are surrounded with an array of tips, tricks and lifestyles that should make us everyday super heroes.The reality is though that as we lean on such comforts or tips, we mask over our own reality and strengths. Often, we are left with a fancy coffee pot and a wardrobe full of gym wear.

I mean these things do work to a certain extent, but eventually we do have to step back and do a bit of self analysis.
Being described by many family members as “a girl who needs her sleep” left me feeling pretty lacking in self confidence and if they see it too, the it must be true. By allowing this to define me, I began to fear late nights and built up so much frustration with being a tired person. But for me, it isn’t enough to just accept something that has been hindering me slyly for many years.This was when I accepted that tiredness is my weakness and held a lot of unentitled control over me.
Now I’m in a position where I’m working on building up my resistance against tirerdness and the fear of fatigue. By actively altering my mindset in small ways, I’m now able to recognise the difference between physical tierdness and mental fatigue. Both things that previously defined me, no longer have control over my everyday life. I motivate myself by accepting my responsibilities with a target of having time to write and be creative when the children are asleep at the end of the day. By having that I begin to strengthen myself mentally and physically.


Coffee no longer gets the pat on the back… but I do. My self understanding is my control and power bank.
This is my personal experience of battling with a weakness and it all began with recognising it. Your Situation may be similar or polar opposite, I do however encourage delving deeper into understanding yourself more. It may seem a bit nit-picky to begin with, but that silly old thing that blends into your every day, could be impacting you more than you know.

Ready or not, nuture

Another school pick up, another opportunity for the Hope’s and fears to sneak in…”did he do well today? Or was it time out?”.

I never truly saw the capacity for anxiety to dwell in my mind until I had my children.

Sure, the concerns differ as my experience grows but my heart has found a vulnerability that only a Mother experiences. I should know how to deal with this by now! I thought I solved that problem? I’m exhausted and the kids are at a sleepover, I miss them so much. Being a Mum is both a joy and a confusion, it’s the most complicated relationship you’ll probably ever find yourself in.

They say you truly learn how to drive when you’ve passed your test and out on the real roads! The same goes for Motherhood. We have a period of preparation where we read, we discuss nappies and feeding bottles with experienced Mama’s over coffee, we attend antenatal talks that give us an insight in the life of a newborn. That’s right, just the newborn stuff. I have debated with myself on so many occasions, whether if I was taught more at the beginning, would it have made the slightest difference to the way I am dealing with things now? Practically, I think it would be time wasted. Mentally, I think I would be less shocked by the experiences I have had, being a Mum.

We all have different ways of thinking, feeling and being, so to assume that every Mum will face anxiety could create issues that didn’t have to be there. I do believe however, in order to inspire new Mum’s; we have to show care of the physical and mental health from the very beginning. Whatever their perspective about their own mental health may be, I want to strive to see the next generation of Mum’s equipt with the knowledge and tools that will nuture their mental wellbeing, good or bad. Antenatal care is a key time for Mum’s, whether it’s the first baby or fourth. We can stitch into the fabric of education strategies that equalise the anxiety capacity; we may just begin to combat postnatal depression.

With mental health becoming more spoken about, I think it’s essential for parents to accept that there will be moments where seeking help is the best option. It is also essential that in a generation where the public health care counselling waiting lists are more than 6 months long (UK), we cannot ignore a problem that may or may not occur. In the same way communities equip their houses with damage control where floods are likely, we have to equip ourselves for the challenges ahead that may or may not cause us to suffer with anxiety, worry or depression.

Training with the Family Institute in South Wales taught me so much about my perspective of mental health. One realisation I came to, is that sitting down and having a good conversation with someone, working through challenging topics is actually pretty normal. Mental health is as normal as the body we sit in. It’s just harder for us to comprehend the unseen, but I challenge you today to imagine your mental health as an image in your mind. Whether by using colour, picture, numbers, words, shapes etc. If it helps to mark this down on paper, do so. Let’s get to know our own mental health, whatever position it may be in. Begin the process of welcoming and loving its diversity, that way we may start to understand that it isn’t to be feared, but nurtured.

“Deeply rooted heartache that falls over me when I’m lost in my parenting, it washes me up like a tidal wave. But continue moving on this wave, trusting that the shore will soon be in sight.”

Right to education, right to life

With many parents across the world currently homeschooling their children, we are exposed to the great responsibility of teachers; this is to provide a high standard of education to our children and young people. While touching base with my daughters school teacher over the phone, the delight of speaking to a fellow adult had never been so prominent! I’d been waiting for this moment, the moment to confess… that in fact, my homeschooling knees had given way by day 4. Like a deer in the head lights I was stunned by the fantastic array of activities that were to be completed, all were socially, ethically and academically sound. But wait, where are the books full of mathematics and handwriting practice that would occupy my inquisitive six year old while I sat with heavy eyes, bagfuls of postnatal anxiety and a luke warm cup of tea. This was never going to work.
After my brief confession, I covered for my daughter as her teacher complimented how enthusiastic she was to engage and learn. Well, let’s just say she is fully engaged with a bunch of cheesy Netflix series and has learnt an extremely irritating game called the ‘pause challenge’. The truth is, my beautifully unique daughter is indeed enthusiastic but her Mother is not. Thankfully I was reminded by her school teacher that “they won’t remember how much work they did or why they did it, but the positive memories we make with them will be something they keep forever”. However corny that may sound, it’s completely spot on and should be the motto for parents worldwide. So thank you Mrs Google, Miss YouTube and Mr Netflix, you have yet again saved this millennial Mums arse. While this experience is both challenging and frustrating for all of us, we can’t underestimate the importance of the education we can give our children. By sending them to school, extra curriculum clubs and by creating a safe home environment we can be sure that they will have a positive start in life.
Among my rumbles about having to home school, I’ve become so much more aware of how fortunate we are in the UK.

We are able to offer many opportunities and options when it comes to our children’s (even our own) education and social life. I recently watched a TED talk by human rights protector Rabiaa El Garani, who described her story of investigating the atrocious crimes committed by ISIS against the Yazidis, a community of people based in Northern Iraq.
The way she described the experience of these people was vivid; although I don’t believe words could ever describe the devastation these communities face. Delving deeper into this, the individuals who are involved have no control over their destiny, education is just a dream. As a Mother in one of these communities the unimaginable emotions and anger that must weigh over them would bring any one to their knees. Children are born into corruption, where having options in education, career prospects and life choices are extremely limited/non existent.
Every child has the right to an education and in many countries it is a given that no one falls through the net, but not everywhere. The mental and physical pain parents and children go through just to fight for their communities and lives is relentless. So, before we question our governments “when can the kids go back to school?” why not treasure the endless supply of educational resources we have, this is more than just books; it’s the people around us and the opportunities that are there for the taking; opportunities to speak up and be heard. Let’s be zealous about what good may come of this pandemic, whether it’s by personal growth, a new found love for community spirit or just recognising the importance of being able to connect with others. Pray for those communities around the world, where freedom is being wiped out. Pray that they never give up the fire that keeps them pushing forward every day. Finally, let’s be consistent in reflecting on the fact that uncertainty or certainty of peril is an everyday feeling for these beautiful individuals. Whatever ‘pray’ means to you, we must unify in thought and action to hold up the weak; a true international community.

Our words may be small and may even be over looked but someone somewhere is listening.

Photo by Valeriia Miller